I saw unusual things and I went out cuz I needed a jog but still these problems leaked thru. I accepted it finally to not think weird, upsetting things, words just came to me. Luckily, it wasn't like a lotta cursing. It was so annoying. I don't follow any of this. I mean that because I was typing before that I can always type.
My dad lies secret messages. I don't know what's controversial to admit to that. It just fits as something to talk about on this blog.
These people can't admit they're not perfect. They are cyclical and think that means they have a point.
So, I accepted upsetting messages. What happened to the good old days? I try to ignore what seem like messages.
If my dad believed I was good.. why is he taking things from me? I said, "Oh, no," when he came home from work while I was doing homework when I was 11, and since I've suffered a lot. I was just being friendly! Then, they turn on me and seem to say, like, "Well, you said you were being friendly." I wasn't needing to do it if they said stop.
Also, why is Bella Thorne following me around as I meet people? Why Bella and no one else, anyway, so that it's for her and not me?
I don't like to take messages "in stride."
I am disturbed my mom cannot see thru one eye. It also goes out a little. I keep asking when it will be better. I don't know why the surgery made it so she could not see thru it.
Well, I had a pretty good day at Disney. I just was upset a bit at the messages at home.
I understand the auto response to anything about Bella. I think a lotta people are jealous and a lotta people don't care. I feel as tho .. oh yes I was gonna say I understand she's a sensitive topic to you .. but I feel as tho it's just like inappropriate to try to take me away from relationships so it's only Bella. She doesn't really care if other people are with her, just me. Then, she'll turn it around as a lie and say it was cuz I'm in trouble. Well, I literally found I as already in trouble. Maybe, maybe not. I don't like the reserve I have to feel and feel it is inappropriate that you make her look silly/bad.. Life is only now. I don't know. Maybe, she has more than a lotta people. I guess if she could find a way to meet those people.. but I've had a hard time trying to conclude if Bella really likes all the people I meet and takes me away from those I like .. or the feeling for me dimishes some other way.. meaning the point is to not let me lead a calm life in a way. Like, when I went out .. I find you are feeding me fights all the time. Just to make sure that's what's going on. That's what I feel is happening, whether or not anyone knows or not.. I think Bella is important and if she's in the game in a way that she likes then good if that's true and possible. If it's tug-of-war always acting like I'm in trouble, that has nothing to do with Bella.
My mom acts like I'm bad, too, but I think it's her fault or my dad's fat genese I'm ugly. I might be worthless cuz when I went to the bathroom my female part stank. It must be from my dad. I wonder if he will ever re-adjust to like he was before. I wonder what made him flawed, like unhappliy fat yet not jolly in a certain way.
I think my pills make it hard for me to function and without them I can get craftily vicious. I'm worried I'll get sick and die. From the ever popular cancer. I need the kitchen. You know, I happen to wanna watch Cutthroat Kitchen, which is on I think at least once a week, and that's like all.
I don't like anyone acting like I need to be punished and like deserve nothing.
I feel no one responds and I keep getting attacked.
I pray for my dad's health, that he can function with those he's around well.
So, prayers for all and that all remain, well, calm and safe and make themselves happy without like just pigging out or anything like that.
Prayers for me that I learn my place but get peace of privacy whatever that may be. That the things that are wrong are righted, if anything can be done like that. I continue to beg about what I did at 11 not make people all happily like toot along that I'm worthless. I was just trying to have fun and wouldn't do it if he said not to. He just had to ask what was wrong.. like notice I was at my homework still or something maybe and didn't look happy. I dunno. I just feel so punished. Would erasing that still leave me cursing at the noises in my room? I'm so paranoid, that I say okay nothing's wrong, the punishment's wrong.. I will get argued at. Then what? Just keep on going? See, they don't tell me what they want, they just do it.
Prayers that things get better and I do not think bad things like I do now that I did not before.. which is a questionable thing I think. It seemed to start with experimenting on me.
Oh yes, and what's wrong with me feeling upset if I'm insulted so far as I'm not accepting being insulted so much.. who accepts that? What function is it? They are coded secret messages made to make me look bad. I don't stare someone down, I just get that bad feeling and get upset, and it feels like it's someone else's fault I exist.. I know I am not a presentable person and need to work out more, which I am now doing to a degree able.. With the new perseon, I need to respect our allusions to their moral convictions. How do I do that? I just kinda flinch. I will try to remember to be good and then ignore what upsets me that people act like that person would think or know. I don't know how this could go, but I'm feeling a bit dreary. I do not want to be selfish and understand if I never meet anyone. I admit I get upset at being told not to try in ways.
Oh, I am so tired. My legs. I am falling asleep. My body is shutting down. About that last paragraph, will try. I have things I've done wrong already. They might make me upset, but I will try.. try to remember. Any help? You can post on my forum or e-mail.